A poem - Case Sensitive

A poem I meant to post a few days ago. Relevant to the last post and includes concepts that have been dancing around my head. (10-23-13)

 

~Case Sensitive~

I would love to have something like you

in my life right now

(wild, confident, calm)

can we zip the tent and

pretend other things don't matter for a bit?

It is more than the touching

it is more than the filled silence,

it is the reality.

Resting my head on what I am pretending to be

the skin and bone above your heart

is growing to be like a flat line.

The tassels on my Mexican blanket

(filled with memories)

are uncomfortably like the half dreaded

hair that lies on your head-

sheltering your brain

and leading to assumptions.

The world of hidden reality and

assumptions (often negative) is like a heavy backpack.

Depending on the contents

full of potential, though often

the weight is over powering.

 

I would love to have something like you

next to me right now.

I wrote this for myself, and I am so glad I did.

Perceptions and Realities -- the weight of

What I am feeling, what I am, and some words on that.
I miss being able to be myself without perceiving negative assumptions such as:
dirty farmer
just a hippy
environmentalist
gypsy
poor
responsible and mature

when really I think of myself as
a dirty farmer who brings soil from one farm to another, learning, and growing
a hippy in regards to walking barefoot, being (mostly) vegan, living 'alternatively'
an environmentalist - yes I care about the environment, please don't not listen because I love so hard
gypsy - yes I have traveled and moved a lot. I am not always running, not flaky, -- not that.
My view on money is that I only need as much as I need, being resourceful and not buying everything brand new doesn't mean I am poor. I consider myself quite rich actually! Lucky and creative.
Responsible and mature have been weighing me down - self given? I appreciate being thought of as responsible, dedicated, and mature but at the same time I feel like I need to let myself play :(

Looking at pictures will not bring the past forward. Some days it motivates, inspires, and fills me with joy. Other moments (like right now) it weighs me down and make me see things I do not have...

Time to sink onto Canada Geese research, a book, and writing a moodle task for Jim.

I am going to be awake, having eaten, and leaving shore on the way to the farm at 9 AM tomorrow. If I say it does that mean it will come true?

Feeling a bit down at the moment and accepting the fact that it is valuable and not something to push away and ignore. Heavy heart though...

Laptop Hours and Bananas

Luckily I set an alarm even though I was thinking Lucas would call me at 9AM to go with him to the airport to pick up Eli. He forgot and I got out of bed around 10:30. Oops...! Must have needed the sleep.
Cross legged, lying on my side, feet in front of me, one leg against my chest the other under my butt -- these are all positions I was in on my bed today in front of my laptop from for over 6 hours today. I did take eating breaks - but they weren't very substantial.
I was on edge as it was and then somehow found myself watching 'snatch, snatch' on youtube (aka a Balcombe arrest of a loved one) and I snapped. Had I been in a discussion with someone I would have either started screaming or left. Since I was alone I; went to the bathroom, changed my outfit, packed my bag, and headed to the library. It was closed... I ended up sitting in the sun and reading for about an hour - which was great. I needed to be outside.
I saved over 100 bananas from a dumpster today as well as a few slices more than a full cheese pizza. Instantly my head started straining for ways to preserve for the winter - especially when I had so many extra. Freeze and dehydrate.
The walk to the farm with 50 bananas in my backpack and a box full of at least 20 lbs bananas I was loving the crisp autumn air. On the walk back, after having chopped bananas in the barn using a headlight for over 2 hours, spoken with Mum and Dad on the phone, and texted with Marek, Bennett, and Molly, the walk back I was wishing I had more layers. I could tell my nose was getting red. The chilliness of fall has come.
The wearing of my purple hat has begun (which I feel like will forever remind me of Baja and FtG.)
Today overall was a balance of school life and food prep/preserving - but not leveled out through out the day. Hard core, intense chunk of hours in front of my laptop until I dumpstered and put my time into preserving food. Still so glad and appreciative to have the option of both in my life right now.

Telling of the Balance/Comparison

I caught myself explaining my day in this way to Kelsey (over the phone), Vince (throughout the day), Lucas (as we made dinner), and James (via fb message) kind of like this today...
Today for me was good, crazy (in a bizarre way) and beautiful.
I presented a 7 page research paper on the concepts of ownership and rights and how they relate to Rights of Nature (a growing movement!) to a group of fancy professors and grad students who came from all over the country to attend the conference.
As I was about to present my formal research paper to a fancy audience on a liberal arts college campus I was wearing a good looking outfit (simple yet nice), a necklace, fancy shoes and what not... I was thinking about the balance of how what I have described was happening as well as the fact that: I trash picked the necklace, I haven't showered in over a month, I haven't washed my hair in over a year and a half, 90% produce I eat comes from the compost bin at my school's farm or a dumpster, I am a farmer, etc... The contrast was good. I feel appreciaitive and lucky to have the option of living the life I do. Though it is certainly frustrating at times it is pretty darn well balanced and has so much good in it.
Also today --- Vince cut my hair (he has never cut anyone but his pwn hair before), and I received a package from my sister which contained a magazine and 3 pairs of brightly colored leggins
Today was a good day! And it is not over yet.

Noticing Little Movements

I noticed something today.
The walnut juice died spots of my nails and skin have changed. The line that used to be just under my cuticle is now nearly in the middle of my nail. That is a way of being aware of how my nails grow. I never thought about how they grew until now: thanks to the dark brown stains on my 2 fingernails.

I appreciate noticing. If Vince were here I would tell him but he is not... thinking about community and what that means to me, and how I need it.

Having the ring on my left middle finger (the homemade deer antler ring full of comfort) has made me aware of how my fingers change size depending on the temperature. I knew this was a thing that happened but until now I had no way of measuring the change.

The cleu on my wrist changes shape as I move my hand around. The reality of movement and change.

This Tuesday Was About Food

Today I did squat towards my SCLA paper but I feel very good about what I did do with my day. Today was a food day. (Food week starts this Monday!) In a nutshell (from the walnuts I harvested...?!)
--I made rolls. Enough to eat today, share with Rachel and Lucas, as well as freeze 10 for later days.
--I made 2 batches of zucchini muffins/bread. I have a dozen mini muffins in the freezer as well as a (sliced) loaf (though it was definitely a bit doughy still. I was not feeling patient at that point.)
--I walked just under 2 miles to Fresh Market with an empty backpack feeling hopeful and playing phone tag with Kelsey. Walked back with about 25 lbs of produce.
          15 potatoes
          2 pomegranates
          5 huge apples
          1 star fruit
         2 yellow onions
         2 white onions
         1 purple onion
         2 baby zucchinis
         1 butternut squash
         1 mango
         1 head of lettuce
         10 bananas
          1 huge heirloom tomato
          and I feel like I am forgetting some things
--made a big batch of split pea soup in the hopes to freeze some for the winter (specifically J-Term)
--made applesauce and had some apple cider (not the Embercombe kind) at the end to enjoy

I would say I spent over 6 hours in the kitchen today :D

While I was in the kitchen I had 4 songs looping on grooveshark.
             Gone gone gone by Philip Philips
             Luckiest by Ben Folks
             Luckiest Man by Woods Brothers
             Skinny Love by Birdy

Two Days In Minneapolis MN

After being held up and pat down when I opted out of the body scanner I found out my flight was canceled due to a storm on the East Coast. Philly, just kidding I am not flying through tonight.

Lucas, Rachel, Justin, and Eli who dropped me off, picked me up less than an hour later :)

We stayed up until past 2 together and I woke up at 4 to have time to make eggs before getting dropped off at the airport at 5 AM with a day of flying ahead of me.

 

I made it to the 6th floor of the stadium at Minnesota Uni and the first program was the panel:

 

South East Region.

The view out the huge windows from the 6th floor

Delicious, healthy food seems to be stalking me these past few months.

I don't mind one bit!

Some folks working on signs for the direct action and the group mural

Bennett and a student from Oklahoma holding up the finished product the next day.

A genius set up. Everything under the what are workshop/discussion topics on separate pieces of paper that were stuck next to location of choice. Si simple and so brilliant!

The Mississippi River was running under me.

My face cracked as the water came into my vision.

(This reminds me of the photo Jana took of me just before leaving Embercombe.)

Hm~

Had a very industrial look to it.

The other side of the bridge. Not photo shopped or edited I swear.

The bars blocking me from the reality of the river flow

Autumn hits Minneapolis, MN before Greensboro, NC

Casually riding a bike ;)

A painting on a wall we walked past just before finding the train station

My last view and inhale of Minneapolis before boarding the train which took me to the airport which took me away from that city.

 

Even though the decision to go was made extremely suddenly and it didn't actually hit me until the day before that I was going to the Real Food Challenge Summit in Minneapolis, MN. Glad I went - I learned a lot, contextually related to food as well as about myself.

I enjoyed myself and in a way can't believe it happened.