The Ride of the First Tuesday Back

Something I realized yesterday that is on and off extremely applicable:
When I think about it - I don't want to be here at college,
when I don't think about it I am happy here.
Food for thought, and something to not push away due to a busy schedule.

My hair is growing.
My hair is flopping.
I am proud of the courage
I am using to hold my head up high.
It has been years since it has been this long.
I haven't swam in over 3 weeks :(
It is no where near the white blonde it once was.
It has been nearly 16 months now.

My hair is growing.
My hair is floppy.
I am self conscious
and ashamed
yet with every kind word said
I am reminded that
I should do what I do
no matter what other people do
and or think is doable.

The songs "Drop in the Ocean" by Ron Pope and "Let Her Go" by Passenger, were on loop on grooveshark for over an hour today. It was that kind~

Day two. Ha. Wow!

Woke up in the Pines
kissed my friend on his soft hair
walked in dewy grass to shore
changed, prepped, and was at the farm
a few minutes after 9 AM.
I was pepper lady and Edamame stripper
A plate full of vegetalbes in the caf
around a round table with
Molly, Kiernan, Ezra, Noah, Gabe...
Wonder of Dance with Christa day 1.
The number 231 became 213 for
Introduction to Political Thought
with Maria Rosales.
I anticipate that class kicking my butt
and helping me learn so much -
exactly what I want and think I need.
Back to the good old days of
studying against the wall of Frank - outside:
except it is not last year.
Still adjusting to being in old places
for new times - will take time.
Constant things. Lots of little ones.
Focusing on the ones I chose to grab,
curious what will happen with the ones I
made a note to do.
Music, club stuff, class work, tracking,
planning, dreaming, remembering, and struggling.
Right as I was starting to feel adjusted
and healtily caught up in the Guilford world
a friend from this summer posted pictures
of their time at Embercombe -
that was a wave of joy and sadness
and of course questions.
Luckily the wave of time sensetive
Guilford related things going on kept me
from questioning enough to walk out
and of fly back.
It was so good to see the pictures and remember.
It was so hard ot see the pictures and remember.
Music and slow food club stuff, music, planning,
and picking up a fancy camera made the Guilford world
(that I am lucky and appreciative to be in)
my present place of being.
Dinner happened. More veggies and people.
Cara, D'vorah, and I sat by the window.
Time kept moving.
Quick correspondence with Jacob which was good
but yet another thing that connected me to my past.
Vespers happened and was well needed.
Kiernan read something that rang very true
and present to my day.
I had Liz on my lap and against my cheek the while time.
Breathing felt good.
Curling up on the soft couch in the Hut
in my red flannel, grey shorts, and real food challenge shirt
happened.
Hearing words, comments, and movement I lay there
feeling my body in the position and where parts met.
I opened my eyes and it was an hour before midnight.
No Pines visit for a Slow Food conversation with Marek
and making a batch of kombucha:
that will wait for another day.
All day today I had a cleu written on the insde
of my right wrist. A reminder, a story,
and a comforter.

I sit with the bottom half of my calves and feet
dangle off the bed - just above the floor.
The low bed and the brown sheet makes it easier for me
to feel grounded in the cubical of a dorm room.
I don't mind my bed so much - and it is continually
growing on me.

A few last business things for the night and prep for tomorrow
and then I will listen to my body and shut my eyes.


Here are a few pictures that have happened since in the past 2 weeks lets say...

Patrick Ave visit. Flying Visit. Headband. 

White polo, dorm room, what?

 Orientation Crew 2013. Good group. Very bright - in a few ways. We did the job and we had fun! 

Today~

  

The Potential

I woke up int my bed in my dorm room after a day full of happy Guilford life and found myself telling a story about my time at the protest to someone I lived with, love, and miss from Embercombe. It is good story and one I want to remember so I am going to share it here:
August 10th - my second full day at the protest was the only time I put myself intentionally in a position where I could have gotten arrested. Arrested for dancing... I made a solid mental note of the female copper's badge number that said "you will not get arrested for dancing" to Jesse and I because it was in the air that the cops were planning on moving in, possible kettling us (surrounding us so no one can go in or out) and arresting us all. Legal observers were present. Tammy made eye contact with me and handed me a busk card (I think it what it is called): a business card with important telephone numbers on it - arrest support and the suggested solicitors phone number. When she handed it to me I could see in her eyes that she did not want me to get arrested but that she was not going to stop me from dancing there. When the dancing first began the cops were saying not to dance there and saying anyone dancing here could get arrested and at first I found myself shimmying out of the crowd and to somewhere where I was not at risk of getting arrested, after about 5 minutes I found myself back in the loving dance group. Patty was happy to see me - she knows I love dancing and noticed I wasn't there. Right as Tammy handed me the card that really felt like arrests were going to happen soon I was next to Jesse and asked him if he wanted to be crowd buddies. He said yes :) We were in similar positions we wanted to put our full selves into the protest and protect the earth even if that mean getting arrested while also realizing that what we want to do may be hindered if we have an arrest on our records :( I am pretty sure at some point in my future I could be/will be/(am already being) an educator - and I think educating people is one of the most important things, and not worth potentially throwing out the window in my case for trying to make a statement about frackng (right now in my life at least). I am not 100% comfortable with that, but that was my mind set at the protest and I am glad I did not get arrested. Jesse is a nurse, really enjoys it, and has done a lot of training to do what he is doing now and doesn't want to throw it all away. So... we were buddies in a similar mindset: we want to have fun and it is ok to be a little risky, but we do not want to get arrested. We kept an eye on each other whether that meant dancing next to each other and or making eye contact every few minutes amongst the crowd.
At first it was incredibly stressful dancing knowing that any minute I could get grabbed by a cop and I was definitely on guard while trying to look like I was not so that the cops would know that we were just comfortably dancing. Towards the middle I forgot that I was at risk of getting arrested even though I was basically surrounded by cops (shows how quickly I adjust...). When the music stopped, the dancers cheered (and started passing around bottles of water), and the musicians started packing up - Jesse and I exchanged words about how incredible that was and how good it felt.
On Sunday night I was talking with James and I caught myself telling him that I think I am going to go in the road tomorrow when the lorries come (that is something that risks getting arrested). It was going to be my last day and I really wanted to give before I left the protest site (I know there are many ways to give but I wanted to do something to slow down the fracking.) Before my alarm clock could go off I heard the bell being rung and someone calling out lorry. I lay in bed, comfortable, warm, cozy, and sleepy, wondering if this was the one. I opened the tent door a bit to see what the scene looked like (to see if I wanted to join) and heard protesters (including Patty right at the front line)yelling "do not push!" I could see this was a really aggressive batch of police - the nice ones had been rotated out. I decided to not join this one and wait for the next one. I lay back in bed feeling a bit guilty but also like I was making a wise decision. When I was eating breakfast I learned that someone got arrested during the first lorry. The cops picked them out, moved in a way that singled them out and nagged them before other protesters could protest them. It was the large woman with the dog. About 2 hours later I heard talk of someone else getting arrested and just after lunch Tigger got arrested... It was a rough last day. When I was sitting around the fire pit eating dinner I still wasn't sure if I wanted to stay another night or leave on my planned last day. Glad I stayed that extra night, though by the time I left it really was time to leave. So a quick story (what a surprise)  got wordy and long, but it is important to me

Guilford is Back

A Guilford has begun: ...!

I was not tired when I was walking from the Pines to Shore but I knew as soon as I sat down I would realize how tired and pooped I really am - accurate :) Life is good.
Today I saw and excited greeted: Liz, Noah, Luq, Addy, Ajiah, Ben, John Madden, Moira, Samantha, Julia Beveridge, Adam Fergunson, Lucas, Oliver, Nate, Billy (Millman), Ben Evans, Marina, Faith Gaines, Lee, Cara, Molly (!), Vince (as I do most times we are reunited) and many others. The Guilford community is back. Guilford is back :) Less in an anxious way and now more so in an excited way, I am really looking forward to when classes begin.
My eyes saw a lot today. My nose had variety. My ears were forever being filled. I felt good.
Had a quick picnic in the grass outside of Shore today with Alanna, Katie, Eleanor, and Vince just at the end of peppers, carrots, crackers, peanut butter, and mostly frozen hummus (if you push stuff in the back of the fridge in Shore it freezes.. good to know!).
I felt very productive today while during my freetime from orientation stuff (3-8) I got off campus and was able to do two time (ish) sensitive errands: REI (exchanged my tent fly. Who is a super fly?!) and a thrift store for a fish tank. I also made bread in the kitchen of Shore which turned into a great, healthy, simple, cheap, exciting dinner with Kiernan of beans and rice with a veggie stir fry (he provided the celery, the carrotts were from the 5 lb bag I bought from Teeter my first night back, peppers were the ones I saved from being thrown out at the end of an orientation even that included food - at one point I had 17 beautiful farm grown peppers!), salt, and soy sauce. It was good. All of it.
There are still folks I need to be reunited with: Gabe, ...hm - maybe it is just Gabe. I am excited to see him.
Tomorrow is the last day of having a specific top I need to wear. Todays was neon pink and tomorrows is super bright orange. I am glad I did orientation, very glad!
So many good little moments in my life: they just keep happening.
I need to sleep. Glad I am tired~

The Sways of This Time

<i> transition <i>
flash backs, old times, old places, new ways,
songs, places, people, memories,

Moving "in to" my space. Wanting to feel really grounded - craving a home and some permanency. Re-realization: my body comes everywhere with me and is one of the only things I will have forever!

Connecting with people not in my face to face life right now: Kelsey, Jacob, those at the Balcombe Protest, California Lily, Lily D...

Adjusting from living without time and or much planning for the past 3 months to making a calendar and planning ahead for things I will need 5 days from now (that is a long time) because I know I should do it... so strange.

Titles of Story people poems waiting to be read whose titles (and a few little words) make a poem:
Hard to Impress
Ready to Jump
In the Dark (for)
Inspiration (and a)
Permanent To-Do List

Could write much more and actually expand these points but instead I am going to pack my bag for tomorrow (while polo, shoes, food, clipboard, water bottle, etc), chuck some snacks in my bag, and walk to the Pines for a quick visit and then sleeping next to a good friend right by an open window (which basically feels like sleeping outside.) I am 'working' tomorrow as an orientation leader from 7 AM - 11 PM. Going to try and stay as present as possible and give love.

There have been lots and lots of ups and downs lately - but still...I love my life <3

Late, Divide, Memories

Once again I could say a lot but I am going to keep it short.
It is just past 1:30 AM. I leave Patrick Ave in 7 hours and am not anticipating returning until December. I am somehow running on 5 hours of sleep and an 18 hour day. My body is certainly adjusting and or moving around something.

It was hard not being at the Balcombe fracking protest today, especially while hearing and reading about it. I am glad it made the news but in many respects it made me angry and deeply sad at the situation as well as giving me a heavy heart that I could not be there with the loved ones from that area of my life. It was hard.

On a totally different note I am not sure why I did not put these up before, but here they are!

My last full day in England I was with Grandad :)

We skyped with Mum and Kelsey at the Pub 

I slept over!

Grandad and his front garden 

August 17th - Transitioning between Lives

I could/should write about
leaving England
Being back in my childhood house
The ups and downs of packing to relocate once again
Anticipating Guilford life starting up so soon
Thinking about people I like a lot that I am not with: sister, new friends from afar
The adjusting that has happened in the past 24 hours
Yellow/black and antler of road kill - constant reminders of such good times
Processing the weight of the experiencing and living the protest
Pondering my future
Procrastinating needing to desperately doggy paddle in logistics
Excitement to be reunited with loved ones at Guilford and after another few months mi hermana
and so much more -

but instead of writing words and attempting to describe the dance happening in my head I am going to put up pictures I found and I don't want to forget.

So much more than what the eye shows - special.

-----------------------------------

Jesse and I, I wanted a picture, the truth was happening, exposure of reality, ...to remember.

The potential of photos that could have been after this one (this was the last photo taken before my camera battery died) eats away at me a bit - can't decide if it was meant to be though.  

-------------------------------------

Something about this; growth, shapes, reality, maturity, exposure, love, softness,

I really like it and am very appreciative Jana snapped it 

Floating in the bliss of rain and flowers

A wet friendship photo

-----------------------

(From late May 2013 but felt relevant to me just now)

Words on Balcombe

Hm... There is so much that could be said.

I really enjoyed not sleeping alone the past few nights and sharing the tents I was tent sitting with new friends. I have a big bed to myself tonight and I am not excited but I am sure I will sleep.

I took a bath for the first time in years today and bathed for the first time in a semi long while – the water definitely had a dirt tint to it when I was done. Simple living. Got to love the dirt!

The past 6 or so days have had so many incredible moments and experiences:

Drumming around the fire nearly every night.

Following where my feet take me.

Woke up this morning and the person next to me took a long inhale and said "smells like hippies!"

I have been feeling like a right hippy for the past week or so and it feels so true.

Siesta in the meadow with James was really nice – felt like a story tale. So natural.

Potentially emotionally super draining protest but because of the family feel to the my spirits stayed alright.

Being responsible for tracking the timing, plate numbers, and companies of the lorries and cars entering and leaving the fracking site became something I held onto.

Things that were brand new fell into place very quickly and fluidly such as protest life, conversations with strangers, my friendship with James and Jo (female Jo), tent sitting, tracking plate ID, being around so namy cops…

I am not sure if I will be able to ever be in contact with and or see someone I so easily and naturally became very connected to in the past 2 days. I would be so good to cross paths again but also it feels ok letting life control that and not pushing too too hard.

The reality of me leaving England in 2 days hit me today.

Embercombe life feels like a LONG time ago, though I think about it at least daily because of the ring.

Life is to be filled with experiences. 

Here are some journal entries from the past week or so: (which ware written in the little brown book that is half filled with Polish/German hand writing and 2 beautiful dramings)

The sounds of

-a crackiling fire

-a shy ukulele

-a drill raping the earth

fill my ears

Sitting still as I hear and feel a loved one getting raped.

It is a drone but I am not going ot grown hard. 

I love my life. The struggles are full and brilliant. 

It is beautiful,

it is heart wrenching.

Green water.

Silent birds.

Appreciative of so much 

while being so saddened by the need...

The silence of a paused drill

is uplifting 

until my heart sinks

once again

as the rape continues. 

I am not against struggle or pain

but so much of me wants

things to be ok.

The beauty that is happening

is what is keeping me going

otherwise between the 

green water and the 

silenced birds

I may shut down.

Thank you to the people

for my life, 

for their lives, 

and for loving the 

mother we all share. 

I kind of feel like a tent squatter except not, more a tent jumper and sitter ;) 

Sitting on the side of the road

with many popole around me

feeling independent, strong,

and with floppy hair. 

There is a lot of support

of solidarity

in this environment. 

Dirty feet, floppy hair, same clothes, and happy. 

I just read The Gruffalo (by Julia Donaldson and Axel Stcheffler) to myself, sitting against a couch, on a sheep pelt like carpet. There is a really beautiful, calm, relaxing, and upbeat techno music coming from the tech tent. 

There is an amazing

calm, gentle love

in the air. Lots

of goodness. 

I like the meories and scars on my hads from the past few months of my life. 

The eye contact made between

fellow musicians 

Strangers connecting.

The exposure

     amazes me. 

The offers

     amaze me. 

The love never seizes to

     amaze me. 

The magic

     amazes me. 

The beauty 

     amazes me. 

And people coming together

to protect out mother

     amazes me. 

It would be a lie

not to mention the

continual rape we witness

the eyes of stone in uniform

and the rude comments of passing cars 

though

Responsibility --> response ability. Food for thought indeed. (Note made during the last half an hour, even though I arrived late because if a seista in the meadow, workshop on how to prevent burn out for activists presented by Reconnect.

My Balcombe fracking protest experience was...

brilliant, full, real, heart wrenching, inspiring, beautiful, challenging, educational, eye opening, and over all incredible. 

-tent sittiing-Patty's presence- legal observer training-asking for what I need and or want-initiating friendships-drumming alongside the lorries-official in and out tracker-listener-connecting with Jo, offering her a place to sleep, working in the kitchen with her prepping a meal for 60 in a kitchen full of donations-connecting with James (so fluid, full of enjoyment, and easy)

The past 6 days have included:

6 solid days without shoes, sharing a tent (which I was tent sitting) with 2 separate strangers (at separate times) both lovely people whom I now consider my friends, first protest, first time witnessing arrests, connecting through sharing emotional experiences with strangers that felt like family 

I do not ask the universe for many things specifically but I did put it in the air that I wanted to connect with a dreamer 2 nights ago while sitting in the tent alone with 2 burning candles after meditation ended - the universe provided. My experience is: if I treat the universe well and trust it, it will treat me well. Loving this life! 

2 simple and beautiful songs/chants

Earth my body, water my blood, air my breathe, and fire my spirit. 

I am no ones slave, I am no ones master