A few blurbs from the past few days written as life moved me forward.
In the pink notebook (nearly full actually) the morning of the fete.
Waiting in the pirate ship for Grandmom Franklin, (Paddy?), and Uncle Martin to come to the fete. They may not come - I will wait till half past (the meeting time is 12, and it is 10 till now.) I have changed so much between age 16/17 and now. Last night May and I were visiting in the volunteer office and she brought up what I said in circle about how I mentioned my struggle with articulating and she said she had thought of me as an articulate person. Going to get a chair for Grandmom.
My thoughts were all over and (as usual) the depth of the thoughts in my head did not make it to paper.
From a typed journal entry earlier today:
One of the signs of growing up is being able to see the fact
that drama comes with me everywhere. Unavoidable; it is part of life.
My hands are still dirty and painty from the past few days
but my heart certainly has changed. It has been hard and it has been easy. I am certainly feeling at home on the land
here but at the same time very aware and on edge. It is becoming very clear very
quickly that the people here are changing. The amount of people leaving soon
seems very evident and strong today.
People leaving within the next 2 weeks: Perry (left a few hours ago), Mike
(left this morning), Elouise, Annabie, Ruth, Jon, Lucy (younger Lucy),
People who are still going to be here include: Cara (till
mid July), Jaro, Lucy (the apprentice), Jonathan, Renee, Cadyn, Teo, Mimi,
Jenny, Mick, Fiona, Asha, Ronan, May
With the people in my life constantly changing (both here at
Embercombe as well as in the various other aspects of my life) I am finding it
hard to really connect and share deeply who I am and who I want to become with others. It
is not sustainable to not connect, but it has yet to feel right to connect that
deeply. Time will teach me how to do that I am sure.
I am sitting in the mezzanine alone and it feels very still.
If I were to completely follow my gut right now I would either curl up somewhere
warm and take a nap or fly to America. That makes it seem like I am not happy
here which is not true. The happiness I am feeling here at Embercombe is going
deeper into me than happiness has in at least a few months. To really be able
to recognize and appreciate happiness you need moments of not happy as well.
While I am excited, thrilled, curious, and pleased that my
proposal got accepted for the SCLA conference that now means I need to
write a 10 page paper on Rights of Nature over the next 2 months. That is a weight. Something I want
to do certainly – but present and something I need to be conscious that too
much time doesn't pass too quickly. Same goes for working on my Integrative
Studies major. Never quite feels right and or that that productive but I
certainly should get a large chunk moved forward.
I feel as though the shallowness of my words (even if May
said she thought of me as articulate on conversation and check ins) occurs in
conversations, check ins, the way of council, my writings, and my actions – my thoughts
go to great depths. Something I need to practice and develop is really sharing,
I love and appreciate it when others do so and yet I have sincere trouble and a
struggle with that.
There was more but it did not seem relevant to share here.
My near future I am anticipating going a bit like this:
Going to go poke my head in the kitchen and see what is going on in there before heading to my tent for the night. Even though I woke up less than 12 hours ago, I am ready to sleep again.
Tomorrow I need to be up and ready to leave Embercombe at 7:40 AM to head into Paignton for a days work. Same Wednesday except that I am then going to be staying in Paignton until Sunday.
I am so glad I am where I am. Life is good.
No comments:
Post a Comment